strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person
where you want him/her to go.
soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the
newly upholstered couch in the living room.
what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly
you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to
the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
A social custom to use when you greet
other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear
end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes
you stop. Also known as Doggie Caller ID.
container, which your neighbors put out once a week to test your
ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off
with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine
wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum
aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and
run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the
bushes and you prance away.
is a malady, which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they
want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly
calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger
by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.
is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you
get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house
until your person comes home.
to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up
and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.
You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
good dog's response to the command 'sit!', especially if your person is
dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup
of coffee or tea.
maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the
attention you require... especially effective when combined with The
Sniff. (See above.)
a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The
best way you can show our love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a
human will love you in return
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can
sell the results.
Note: To the best of my knowledge, these are
within the public domain. If you know where either of them, please email
me so that I may investigate. I always try to give credit wherever possible!
Revised: October 02, 2006